Have you ever been in Love?
Everybody experiences love in some way or other in their life, so do heartbreak. It’s like two sides of a coin. We can’t separate them. Heartbreak is painful but also it teaches us good lessons. Breakup doesn’t always have to be harsh, filled with resentment and betrayal. Sometimes we realise that though we love each other we cannot be together. It’s for the others sake we let them go. It may be painful but it teaches us new definition of love, a new way to live.
I had one such experience in my life. I met a soul I can never forget. I desperately fell for her. I wanted to have her, have her for myself and only myself. My strong desire did not take much time to reach her. And by the way this is not some cheap, temporary sexual desire I am talking about. This was real. It was longing for someone to fill the gaps left in between everything, to have someone to be there in ups and downs of my life, that was the desire I had.
She was beautiful, sweet, simple and small, a very cute being you will fall in love the moment you see them. But things didn’t start this way though. We were just friends. Unlike most guys, I’m not driven by lasciviousness, though be a handshake or a hug or being clingy with a girl. We started taking on social media and one fine day we decided to meet. We talked and walked, shared an ice-cream and some beautiful moments and at the end when we said goodbye, out of nowhere I hugged her. It was the first time I took initiative and things changed since then for me. The warmth I felt was worth cherishing. We never stopped talking since then, until now. Yes, we took little breaks but we always ended up talking to each other.
And with days passed she slowly stripped, exposing her
insecurities one by one. The view was soothing. No one knew till then that one
can be completely dressed yet shamelessly naked…
I always knew I am different from others with different priorities, but never did I realize why. But I received a gift for being so. A love as pure as this, was very rare to find, and worth cherishing. A person who lets you into their world, reveals all their insecurities, shares all their past memories, lives with you in present and plans a future with you is worth cherishing.
That’s the one thing I always wanted. It was beautiful in itself. That was what true beauty looks like, and I was not going to let that go. But did I tell you dreams break? Thought she was perfect but time wasn’t.
Life has very strange way of getting things done. It will give you what you need, not what you want.
When I asked for someone to love I came across a mirror. Strangely most of my problems reduced to naught. We spend most of our time just thinking of someone else, ‘what will they think’, ‘what will they say’, ‘how will it be to be with them’, or ‘what if they find out something about us which I don’t intend to share’.
What is love to you? Trust? Feelings for someone else? Butterflies in your stomach?
When I got into the college in 2018 my time changed. And I saw the change in my college. She was a soul, distinct from others. I effortlessly got attracted towards her. She had a story to tell… And I had my ears all open. Those eyes, I wanted to dive deep in them and make a home inside. Peace is what I seek, a soul which can listen to my silent cry. Talking was never my thing. I would prefer to sit in a calm beach with someone and say nothing. The sound of the waves, the light breeze and her company. When souls are connected you don’t need words to communicate, one gaze into their eyes and you know everything. That is what I seek, that is what I call love…
Love is an emotion. It can be for a person, animal, plant or any inanimate object. Love has no boundaries, no rules, no limitations. A true feeling where you want to do something good for that special one and not ask for anything in return. This is how I define love. I know it is quite an innocent definition but I never felt the need to change it.
I saw her again. Our college started just when the monsoon started and instead of a warm welcome in college, we had a damp and drenched one. In making desperate efforts of waking up early and going to college, struggling to get an auto, trying not to get wet we had our fresher’s day celebration. It was raining outside but things warmed up when she came in. Her hair was messy, drenched in rain and sweat. A glimpse of her felt like I am looking at the most beautiful person alive. Her voice was so sweet even her curse would seem like holy words. I wanted to forget everything and just take my canvas and start painting her, to capture the memory and preserve it for live long. I always have a tendency to do things in a different way. Though I usually mess up still I try to keep things unique. Maybe I think too much that complicate things or maybe I am not very expressive that creates all the problems. I am not sure but down the lane I have always found myself in situations where my small mistakes got me into big situations, which were usually hard to deal.
Time passed and I came to know that she is not just beautiful from outside but also from inside, holding a flame capable of burning every problem down her lane. A person becomes hundred times more beautiful when they have ambition in their life, passion to do something, a spark in their heart which reflects from their eyes. Nothing can beat that beauty. When you are around such people it makes your day, brightens your life and motivates you to achieve your goals, because being around such people they share their inextinguishable flame with you.
Someone once asked me, ‘What is your fantasy?’ It got me thinking. But the answer was quite simple.
My fantasy is to talk to someone, to open up without having the fear of being judged. Someone who can listen to every senseless word I speak yet not get tired of me. But also enjoy my silence. Because words may lie but emotions can’t. And in silence you speak those unheard emotions.
My fantasy is to travel with someone, far far away in adventures no one has ever embarked on. But also, to go buy toilet papers together. Because small moments hold more importance than some flashy, expensive gifts or luxury cruise travels with 5-star treatments.
I would love to lie on the grass in open ground with someone and stare at billions of stars rather than sleeping in some expensive mattress. You might say this all sounds good but isn’t practical. Well on a regular basis such things aren’t possible, I agree. Because if you make every day special then very day will just turn out to be a simple day. But to never try something different is to kill the child in yourself. Being practical is just lacking imagination if you ask me.
Whenever I meet someone new, I always wonder, what kind of the person they are? Observing them and making a short conclusion like a computer generates response in Boolean value, if they are a good person or a bad person. It is very easy to make a new friend. Things gets complicated when it turns into a long-term thing and especially when I am stuck between good and bad. But that is life, we are human. We are made of good and bad.
I do wonder sometimes, if life hadn’t turned out this way, would I regret not meeting the people I met, people I have now?
Well the girl I spoke of is long gone, forgotten in the mist of misunderstanding and misconceive. But it’s okay. We were like standing on opposite side of the river, one who could never meet…
We live and experience a 3-dimensional world but there is another dimension, 4th dimension, the time. If he decides to mess around you, nothing can stop him. I was a merry character in his game.
But life goes on. Time may not be very nice to me but he always has given me good lessons, a lesson which I will never forget. My life is like a merry go round in layman’s language or more like a sin curve technically. But that’s what keeps me alive. I have people around me still I feel left alone.
Self-love is the only love I can cherish right now. It took me 1 year, a lot of nightmares, hopelessness, fright and anxiousness to finally dream again. But this time this dream is only to build myself up. But I don’t want to share that. I guess I have given up on the dream of sharing my space with someone. Maybe next time… Because if your story doesn’t have a happy ending then it is not yet the ending…